Lockdown Diaries Nominee#8- Revisiting my old self by Himangi Varshney

“This life is like a train ride; the only difference being it has no stops. It just keeps on running, one thing after another keeps on happening, decisions are all taken in haste, and I no longer know if those decisions were right or not.”

This lockdown made me revisit many old things, one being my first-ever diary. I started writing at the age of 15. This initial statement is from the early days of my writing. After reading it, my instant reaction was a good laugh. But as I went on reading, I realized how true to myself I was. I wrote without any fabrication. It is so true that life keeps ongoing, and many decisions are made without prior thinking, but with time I stopped acknowledging this fact. I am in control. I am doing what I want. I am who I want myself to be. These all are the lies that I have fed myself, and now as I revisited my old self, I realized how I had wasted these six years of my life.

I used to be a lively human. Tensions used to feel like a waste of this precious limited time that we have. But with time, I became a part of a rat race, where all I knew is to compete. If someone was doing one thing, I would do two. It seemed like keeping myself busy made me proud of myself, as I felt I was utilizing my time.

This lockdown felt like someone frantically pulled the chain of the train, in which I was traveling. When someone pulls a chain, in most cases, it is some emergency case because they cannot keep on going with that train on that path. This lockdown was the same for me; it made me change my paths of life.

I remember my post-graduation orientation program, had one section in which our professor told us to write our strengths and weaknesses on paper. I stared at that page for quite some time. I was blank; I didn’t know what to write. It felt strange. It seemed like someone was asking me to write about an unknown person. I felt a stranger to myself. I handed the blank sheet to my professor. But that was all, the program went on, and I forgot about it. But this lockdown gave me time to stop and reflect.

As the clouds of meaningless chaos have dispersed, I feel I was living without meaning. I changed my track in this period, whether it was for relationships or career.
It was the push and pull for all these months, I pulled myself out of this race, but surroundings pushed me towards it.
These all pushing and pulling made me so anxious that there was a time I used to get so irritated on such trivial things, and all this started reflecting on my relationships. I took a break from social media for a while and started questioning myself why? Why am I so anxious?

I spend this time with myself, and the only thing that I realized is that no matter what I do, I never want to regret the time spend.
I still do not know if all of my decisions would be right. I am still not sure of what we call living. But I do know one thing now, I would always be true to myself, as my 15-year old was because I can reflect on myself only when I know my real self.

ReachIvy.com organized an online blog/vlog competition to provide people the unique opportunity to share their lockdown stories using their creativity. Himangi Varshney from Aligarh, India beautifully pens down the impact the pandemic has had on her and how she is learning to deal with it. Here is a little snippet for you to read. ‘This lockdown made me revisit many old things, one being my first-ever diary. I started writing at the age of 15. This initial statement is from the early days of my writing. After reading it, my instant reaction was a good laugh. But as I went on reading, I realized how true to myself I was. I wrote without any fabrication. It is so true that life keeps ongoing, and many decisions are made without prior thinking, but with time I stopped acknowledging this fact. I am in control. I am doing what I want. I am who I want myself to be. These all are the lies that I have fed myself, and now as I revisited my old self, I realized how I had wasted these six years of my life.’

The above entry has been submitted by Himangi Varshney from Aligarh, India, who is also the winner of the Jury Award 2020. She is a 21-year-old student of the Aligarh Muslim University. Kudos to Himangi for this beautiful piece!

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